Way Too Much Info.

So I was reading a good friends blog a little bit a go. (www.rudejude.tumblr.com)

He had a posting about depression, it really struck a nerve with me when he asked if most people in the world are depressed.

For quite some time now I have been told by NUMEROUS people that I...

...am way too emotional
...take things to personally
...cry too much
...fly off the handle

yada yada yada.

Yes. This has all been true for about the past 9 years.

So, now it's time to get a little Oprah on your ass and let you know more information about me than I should probably tell you. But let this blog post act as a public service announcement for women in the world.


For the past 9 years or so I have been on birth control. I was in a relationship for a very long time and pretty much that entire time (minus just about a year) I was on the anti-baby drugs.

I broke up with "B" quite some time ago, but was still taking birth control for a while after. I did my rebound shit as any young feline would do. I got involved with friends, douchebags, low-lifes and your everyday dead beat. But then I got over it. Since then let's just say I have been extremely selective with my suitors. As Cher in Clueless would say: "You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they just go on my feet."

So anyway...the BC was costing me about $50 - $60 per month! For what? Crazy hormonal inbalances? Within the past 2 years I started seeing health problems. I would ask my doctors and they would occasionally say, "Maybe it's the birth control you are on?" But then they wouldn't really go past that question or look into it at all. All problems kept having a common demoninator...the birth control. I had had enough and just stopped taking it.

I have been off the chems for about 2 months now. And let me tell you something! I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Yea, shit still annoys me. Things go wrong, but it's life!! I don't cry at a moment's notice anymore. I don't think that everyone and everything is out to get me. My temper is totally under control now. (But please don't get it twisted, I will cut a bitch if need be.) What's ironic about birth control is that it's meant to keep you from getting pregnant so you can get your freak on without worrying about feeding lil' baby adubbs for the next 18-35 years. But it DECREASES YOUR LIBIDO!!!!!!!! What??? Yea. I didn't realize it at all. I just thought the guys that I had been kicking it with were lack lustre. Well they ALL kind of were, but they probably would have stood a better changce with me if I wasn't being such a big ol' crazy bitch all of the time.

Here's the thing. Birth control effects a woman's ability to ovulate. Which means these little tiny pills are re-engineering the natural flow of a woman's hormonal balance.Basically putting her in a perpetual state of early pregnancy. Oh yea. Sweet!

I had a nice little talk with my ex about it and began noticing patterns. I started looking back at different scenarios and how I reacted. Unbelievable. My previously mentioned blogging pal even said to me once "Adrienne, you are just hard wired to be emotional. But that's why I love you". Am I really though?

It even got so bad that doctors were trying to give me drugs for it. I felt like I was crazy! A good friend of mine has been taking birth control for years and she recently had a health scare and her doctor thinks that her birth control was part of the cause. What? Now the shit has the potential to kill a bitch? Really!?

I keep saying this over and over and over again, but since I have stopped taking it, my life seems brand new! I have had my fair share of drama as of late with work, friends, men etc. Not a HUGE deal, but definatley taxing in the emotional sense. But I tell you what...If the same things were happening to me about 4 months ago, I would've had to take about 3 days off of work just to stop crying. But not this time. I shake that shit off and I'm keeping it movin'.

Not to mention the people in my posse have let me take the passenger seat when we go out. Which means my alarm clock in the morning plays...

"BLAME IT ON THE GOOSE...BLAME IT ON THE HENNY..."

Yea.

People were starting to say "You know how Adrienne gets when she's had a little too much to drink! You know she gets all emo and flies off the handle!"

Is that really me?

At this point I knew there was something wrong and I had to make a change...STAT!

The thing is, is when you are in a relationship with the same person for so long, and you become a certain way, you don't really see yourself outside of that relationship. Because it's you and him, or you and her. So all of my emo madness and mood swings were accepted and absorbed by the person I loved. So I never really gave myself the chance to change. It just was what it was.

I was trying to think of some catchy and witty analogy, but I could going back to one comparison. The me from April 2001 - February 2009 was kind of like Britney Spears when she was involved with K. Fed. I slowly started becoming a former shell of who I was, but everyone around me just went along for the ride and never really stopped to help or even ask questions. They said things like:

"crazy"
"immature"
"childish"
"depressed"
"losing it"
"emotional"
"That's just how she is"

But noone ever really took the time to get to the heart of the matter and asked what was wrong. Because the people that have been closest to me over the past 10 years never really knew what I was like before hand except for my parents. So the spiral began. And when I seperated myself from the person that saw me day in and day out, I was a fish on dry land. I realized that these emotions were out of place sometimes unecessary. Yes I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am passionate about EVERYTHING that I do, but things just didn't have to be so dramatic and intense all of the time! Since I stopped taking it, I feel so much better about everything. I feel like my relationships with friends and family are getting stronger, or falling off if needed. Because another thing too, I would cling to people and things so hard out of this constant state of fear of loss that I was in. But I'm learning to let things and let people go if that's what is best for me.

I just encourage you to look in your medicine cabinet and take a gander at what you are takiing (prescribed and "not so" presribed) and ask yourself if any of those things could potentially be holding you back from living an amazing life. Mine just started all over again and I couldn't be happier.

...I feel free as a motherfucking bird. (But not like a sparrow, like a big ass pink flamingo from Florida in 1987 with my dudes from Miami Vice)